Do you think this will work?

I have an English summer class and they gave us a list of items we
could do to express teen suicide. I wrote a rap on it so can you tell
me if its good.

I'm fighting darkness, on my own, hurting inside, always alone. I need
to ventilate, but all i do is suffocate, drowning in the deep end,
choking on this flood of words, and i cant think, im literally on the
brink, the end is calling, i know i am falling, and i might not be
here tomorrow...There's my voice inside, screaming its not alright,
why cant you hear me? Why can't hear me? You dont sense the denial,
behind my smile, you just stay put, and let me suffer. Somebody save
me from suicide, im so close to the other side, so save me, because i
cannot save myself... Behind my eyes is the deepest hell, demons with
me, and no one can tell. I cannot breathe, i beg on my knees, somebody
please! Don't let them take me, i need you to save me, don't forget
me, or have you already?...There's my voice inside, screaming its not
alright, why cant you hear me? Why can't hear me? You dont sense the
denial, behind my smile, you just stay put, and let me suffer...
Somebody save me from suicide, im so close to the other side, so save
me, because i cannot save myself...No i cannot save myself...Look at
me, im in agony, a tear is a tsunami, and the pain is alarming, i cant
go on, im not that strong, suicide is the only thing that seems
right...There's my voice inside, screaming its not alright, why cant
you hear me? Why can't hear me? You dont sense the denial, behind my
smile, you just stay put, and let me suffer. Somebody save me from
suicide, im so close to the other side, so save me, because i cannot
save myself...no i cannot save myself, i need some help, save me...